Stupid Little Walk For My Stupid Mental Health
Can you believe that June is almost over?
I actually can’t. Maybe that’s because before the school year ended summer seemed to me, like a really long stretch of time. Summer to me is a never ending road baked in sunlight.
That may sound like paradise to you but let’s be honest, I’m an Autumn/Winter girlie and I’ve never quite known what to do with myself during the summer months. In fact, the long days that bleed into bright nights has, for the longest time, given me anxiety. I know you’re probably thinking “Umm, what?? Why??” Yeah I don’t have a good answer for you. I’m a creature of night, what can I say?
All I know is that I’m trying. I’m trying to fall in love with summer. (Or at least fall into like.) To be honest, it hasn’t been easy. I live in Chicago now and the summer here is vastly different than the summer in South Florida where I spent every summer of my life prior to moving here a year ago. (More on that in future posts.) At home, and yes I do still call South Florida home. Actually, let’s unpack that for a minute, if you’ll allow me.
When I speak about South Florida I do still often refer to it as ‘home’. Which is IRONIC because I did not always love living there. The terrible traffic and even worse drivers, the humidity and heat, the governor??? Yeah Florida doesn’t have all the things going for it but you know what it does have? My family. Cuban bread. Cuban people! Disney World. Thunder storms and the beautiful sunsets that follow them. That is what I miss most about summer in South Florida and what I’m missing from summers in Chicago.
But this post isn’t about that because Chicago has great things about its summer too. Like this park I journeyed to the other day.
To refer to myself as a ‘homebody’ is an understatement.
Dictionary.com defines a ‘homebody’ as:
noun,plural home·bod·ies.
https://www.dictionary.com/browse/homebody
a person who prefers pleasures and activities that center around the home; stay-at-home.
Yep, that’s me! You may as well call me Señorita Homebody for how much I prefer to be inside, ESPECIALLY during the day time when the sun is shining and it’s hot outside. This has been a fact of my life for as long as I can remember, and it’s not a fact most people can relate to. (At least, I’ve yet to personally meet anyone who feels the same as I do about this whole stay-inside-during-the-summer-feeling. I’m certain there are other like-minded people out there and if you happen to be one of please let a girl know!) This, for me, is quite literally a summer problem because when the autumn and winter months roll around you can find me strolling along the sidewalks with a happy smile pasted to my face and my nose running because it always does that in the cold.
Anyway, staying inside all the time seems to be generally frowned upon by society and there is scientific evidence to show that going outside is good for our health. Google it if you must, this isn’t some scientific journal I’m writing here. Society can eat dust but science, I respect the science.
And so here we are: going on stupid little walks, for my stupid mental health.
I live within walking distance from this little patch of greenery in the middle of the big city and embarrassingly, this summer is the first time I’ve ever stepped foot inside it. Oh I’ve walked past it hundreds of times, sure, but never did I think to actually go inside. I’m not quite sure why to be honest. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I’m not an outdoorsy type person or maybe because if I’m going to just sit why not do it from the comfort of my couch? But the other day I decided to make the venture out to this little park and see what it was all about.
I got dressed. I grabbed my bag, my headphones, some water and out the door I went. It was a brisk walk to the park because I don’t harbour the ability to stroll (something I’m working on) and I got there in no time flat. I stepped inside, walked up the little path, looked around and though “Cool. I did it! Now what?”
The ‘now what’ is what strikes me the most because how far have we fallen that I actually went to a park and thought ‘Now What??” But it’s true. I just stood there for a minute and I didn’t know what to do with myself. And boy did I want to turn around and head home. But that felt silly. Who walks to a park and stands around for two minutes and then leaves? No no. At the fear of looking stupid in front of the ZERO people that were outside I turned and sat down on the bench. And again I thought, “Cool, now what?”
(This is slightly unrelated but did you know that there are people who review parks on google? This little park of mine has actual reviews and ratings! And someone truly had the audacity to rate it only three stars??)
So here we are, sitting on a bench and I’ve got Santa Fe Klan playing through my headphones and admittedly it’s a little aggressive for the for the space I’m currently in. Not that I don’t absolutely LOVE Santa Fe Klan and listen to him at all hours of the day, because I do. But I had this urge to just turn off the music and sit.
And so I did.
The garden is well tended by someone. I’d like to know who and volunteer my services because the smell of fresh flowers was strong. The sounds of the city felt distant, far away. This little park, no bigger than half a block (and that’s being generous) suddenly felt like whole world onto its own. And I just sat there experiencing nature, by myself, and it was nice.
Something I’ve been working on this summer is learning how to just sit in silence and experience life without additional distractions. Let me tell you, it’s not easy. As a highly-productive anxious person I find that I fill every single moment of every single day with something to do. Most people think I’m just a very efficient person but if you’re anything like me then you would know, it’s just a way to distract myself and hope that by staying constantly busy the random anxiety won’t creep in. This will require a whole different post for us to unpack it all but basically, I’ve found that sitting still in silence doesn’t come naturally to me and so I really tried when I sat down at this little park. I listened to the sounds around me; the rustling of the leaves, a person walking by. Admittedly, I did get a little uncomfortable but still I sat, and just experienced.
And it was nice.
Eventually though, it did start to get a little chilly. It was an unusually cold day that day and my fingers were getting icy so I packed myself up and took one more good look around this little, quite park and vowed to be back many times this summer. (And since then I’m happy to report that I have!)
Well, what a journey huh? My first post back in a long time and it was a long one. Ah well, such is the life of an over-writer. As I mentioned, I’m on summer break right now which means I have more time on my hands and quite a bit of stuff I want to write about from the past year so future posts will be a mix of traveling back in time through the past year as well as current snippets of my life. So we’ll see where the summer take us. In the mean time, go outside and touch some grass. It really does help.
Ta for now, xx
